Saturday, 2 September 2023

things are always working out for you

I write this for the current and future me. I am thankful for who i am, what ive become, and what i am going to be. 

What i want wants me. I believe in God, I believe in my fortex, I believe in law of universe, I believe in myself, I believe in the other future persons who gonna match with me. There will be many interesting paths down my road, many positive and negative, with lots and lots and lots of positives. Regardless of what happens, I will strive. I will be ok, because I am me, i will rise even higher, that is just who I am. 

I reread my post in 2011-2012, i realized back then i thought it was about whether or not i actually like him, and why did id feel sad. but when i reflected it back after many years about why i felt so deeply about that event was because it actually was the time i experienced my first betrayal by somebody i sincerely trusted. 

Fast forward to 2014-2016 time, i did not write much during that time, i hustled, i keep on asking whats next for me in my career. The guys who came into my life, they are all good people, it is just i was not at the place to appreciate them. But i am glad and I am thankful for every kindness, experiences, self realization, attention, and good intention to me from different people at different time. Those people bring impact in my life, makes me realized where i was, what i wanted, and shaped me to become me. 

2017-2020, i remember i traveled a lot and living life a lot. I felt like im on top of my world. I really like to travel, to explore. or maybe it also serves as my outlet to run away from living my real life. maybe, but i really really like it. if one day i can make great living by travelling and experience the world, i would really really like that. 

end 2020-early 2021, you came into my life. everything with you happens so fast, instant connection, the momentum is great, i feel really really loved. being in that situation gives me hope that anything is possible, and everything is possible to happen, instantaneously, just like that. i guess reality gave me slap in the face. suddenly you did not feel right, like is this the person i have been loving, are you becoming different or am i? or have you always been this person, but i just failed to see it? was it even real what i felt, was that even love at the first place? suddenly i questioned everything. in my moment of not feeling safe, you were not in a place where you can also comfortably gives me assurance i needed, and suddenly i just no longer felt safe. However, for you i am most thankful. You showed me the look in guy's eyes when he is really really in love, you showed me what kind of good treatment i can be expecting. you gave me realization about the power i held as a woman, and that i should be using it very wisely. 

fast forward to 2023, things feel lighter, even though i have not figured out many things in life, i feel that i am in the right place. I am content most of the time, i feel i am a life snob, somebody who has life figured out. I just want to feel at peace, that allows me to be in safe space to develop myself even further. I am looking forward for things to unfold, however i also wanna create space where things can develop. i no longer feel the need to make things happen or trying to control the outcome of situation. I know God is with me, i know i will have things figured out no matter what. i still feel scared, but through life i know i will find my way. 

Ups and downs in life, I got this. And for every down, i will rise by multiple folds. Life has shown me that I am capable of that. In this lifetime, i plan to have fun and look at things unfold for the better. 


Tuesday, 29 August 2023

The process of getting to know you makes me know me better. 

It is true people say relationship brings you personal growth

you are the first to show it to me. 


us was not a happy ending, but i have lots of gratitude to you

being with you teach me, whatever happens i cannot lose myself. 

knowing you makes me realize i cannot pour to your empty cup no matter how hard i try.

losing you makes me focus on getting bigger and fuller cup for myself. 


i wanted to surrender to you, i wanted you to shine for us. 

but now i realized it is super stupid because i would not be able to deem my light.

and also, i want to keep it shine


im at fault. 

though i said to you i hate the word about your sacrifice. i ended up doing bigger sacrifice. 

i sacrificed my light


me sacrificing my light ended up hurting you. 

now i know i am nothing without my light, i would not know without having hurt you in the process

for that i am sorry, but i am grateful. 


coz i can be better for my next boo.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Bump in My Road

Back then when I was in university, I had lots of dreams. I want to do this, I want to do that, I will not stop challenge myself, I will look for this, I will become this, etc, etc. But after I got a job, I stopped thinking outside the box. Even back then I was thinking about taking lots of course, right now it's all gone. I am staying for too long in my comfort zone and I know exactly how bad it is for my development.

I need motivation, encouragement, and I didnt get any from my surroundings. But whatever, I am me. I always get what I want. Now that u realized you want lots of things, try and get it!!!! U will do just fine.

Not so long ago, I started to like this guy. He was my former boss (he resigned 1 month after I got in), very intelligent, single, cute, and my qualification is nowhere near him. I used to be very proud of myself, my qualifications and all, but then I realized, that kind of pride only works in my hometown. Here I am nothing. I feel intimidated by him. He is very humble, kind, and much more superior than me. I used to just admire him, but now I want him or I want to be him, I am not too sure myself.

After he resigned, I tried to get to know him and he is very sweet I have to admit. But I think he does not feel the same affection as I feel, well it is expected. I am about 9-10 years younger, my family background is nowhere near his, I feel inferior when I am with him, his friends are all very fancy, while mine are well, normal. When I am with him, I feel like I am a little girl all over again. He makes me smile, he makes me see a figure I want to be, he inspires me. I dont know I like him or adore him or like him and adore him at the same time. I am not sure whether I want him or I want to be him.

I will not make this blog all about him, its all about me. Thanks to him, I am thinking to challenge myself. I have to try harder. I have to get whatever I wanted. Now just focus on what you wanted, go back to your diary, look at your long term dream, well achieve them all. After all, you are **** *******. And next time u be near him or his friends, show them who is the boss!!!!!

Friday, 13 January 2012

I hate Jakarta

Okay maybe I am being overreacting, but after several years living in Malaysia, I can say for sure, I damn hate Jakarta....
I mean I know it already since the time that I finished my high school... I hate the dirt, I hate the weirdos staring people eyes, I hate the pollution, I hate it when it is rain and the super black water splash on my leg, I hate the fact that the hand soap is very watery, I hate the facts that the girls are beautiful here, I hate the fact that Jakarta has this kind of smell, I hate every single thing I see here..........

I know it already ever since long long long long long long long time ago...But I just cannot admit that this is this bad hate....Why can I just get a job in other country???why the hell?????

When I was in Malaysia, even the worst scamming company want to interview me, I would come.. I was so thirsty for the interview... But now, every company that I have applied, call me, and now I dont feel good about it...I know I am such a bitch, but really.....I dont know..I dont know what I want.. I afraid if I want too much, I just cannot handle the disappointment. That yenny CIMB Niaga head of IT something is right. I cannot overcome my own fear. I always run... why the hell I run????I want to stop running...I want a life..please for god sake....................

Day by day, I hate myself more and more..........I am almost 22, I am supposed to be this bright matured girl.. What the hell am I doing with my life???Now honestly I want to run more..I want to run to China to study again.I hate the fact that I want it..I dont know...I am scared to live here in Jakarta...

Friday, 16 September 2011

Seven Days Trip to Taiwan from Jakarta, Indonesia

Dear bloggers,

I am supposed to post my trip review directly after my trip ended, but I am so lazy to do so. Hence, now I just posted my trip to Taiwan on 27th June-3rd July 2011.

Basically I used Golden Rama Tour and Travel, the same travel I used when I went to Japan 4 years ago (I will post about my trip to Japan if someday I have mood). In this trip, I went with my mom and younger sis, Fina. All of the group members met in Soekarno Hatta international airport in the afternoon, China airlines.

Day 1- Jakarta-Taipei
Usually I am very experienced in travelling, but I dont know what really gets me that day, I forgot to lock my luggage, oucchhh shitt.I directly called my tour leader, Mr Hendty which is very kind, nice, and too full of manner. He helped me to get that right even though actually my luggage is already in the airline. Well if my flight is from Malaysia, I shouldn't be worried, but come on guys, Indonesian airport is very very very very super dangerous.They can even open the extra locked luggage, so I am sure they can easily unzip mine. Fortunately due to my very responsible tour leader, it was solved (thanks again).
(fast forward>>>>)

During the fast forward, I should say I met some persons from the same tour, tourmates. Basically there are about 20 something people joined. Most are big families, and when I said big, it is BIG. One family has 6 persons and the others also 6 persons. So can say those dominate a lot, even though I think I dominate even more only with 3 persons .hahahhaa...


We arrived in Taoyuan International Airport, Taipei at night (and no, I am not the type of person taking picture in airport, so no airport pict). It is already late and there we met local guide, Mr.(not Mr., come on, he is just like 2/3/4/ years older than me) Jimmy. He is actually also Indonesian, but he studied in Taipei for quite long time so his taiwanese mandarin is very good, his Indonesian also very good, makes me thinking maybe Indonesian language is hard to be forgotten. My first impression when I saw him is like "ooooemmmgiii he is so alay" Indonesian must know what alay is..He dressed like all black and I don't know why I saw something which is not in order in him. He is actually pretty cute, but u know first impression is all.

After 1 hour bus drive from airport, we arrived in the hotel Fullon Jhongli, Taipei. The hotel is very small, even though the facility is like normal 4.5 stars hotel.There are not much room there I believe. After wash up and all, we just went to 7 eleven to grab some snack. It's all dark and nothing can be done, so I slept.

Day 2 Taipei-Taichung
First destination is Chang Khay Sek Memorial Hall. I believe Chang Kay Sek was the first president in Taiwan. From history perspective, he was married with a lady (I forgot her name) but he left her for another new concubine which he loved so much, named Song Mei Ling, which believed to be a very beautiful woman. He divorced his first wife in order to be with second wife, because Lady Song is a believer in monogamy. Lady Song was a very powerful woman back then (and yes, I can see it).

In CKS memorial hall, there is a statue of CKS and also classic cars, basically it was like a museum.


And here is our pic in front of the memorial hall

From left to right, Mommy, Fina, and I

 After that we went to Martyr Shrine which is not too far from CKS memorial hall. There we saw the rotation of soldiers and you know it's when you can take picture with the soldiers, as long as u don't touch him. I saw the almost exact same thing in Korea last year. The difference is, I do touch (in sensible and normal way, not in some crazy bitchy way) soldier in Korea, but I didn't dare to do the same thing here in Taiwan..hahaa..
Since the soldier rotation is not so spectacular thing, I walked around the shrine with Fina and took some pictures with us in it for sure. Here is one of them..okay two...The second pict is group photo..


I was in the middle of course

We went shopping afterwards. That was a place selling Taiwanese merchandise and snacks. Longan chocolate is their speciality. I tried the sample, well I don't really feel the longan since it was dried longan and really dried. I didn't find it very special, so I didn't buy any. It's pretty good actually, but not that special, u know what I mean.

Taipei 101 is the next destination. It is the highest building in Taiwan, it has shopping centre, convention centre, and also I dont know what it's called, the place where u can see all d things from height, whatever it is. We didn't go to that top level, because I know it is basically the same view as other high buildings, like Shanghai tower, KL Tower, Seoul Tower, Tokyo Tower, and whatever towers I've been to. And yeah from what I heard from others who went, it is the same with other towers.

National Palace Museum is very beautiful (next destination) and organized, and modern. But unfortunately we were not allowed to take pictures inside. This museum is the 4th biggest museum in the world. Things there are arts... Usually I am not into museum, but this is different. The ivory, jade (shaped like bai chai "white vegetable", sawi, Chinese cabbage whatever it is called looked super real. The color combination is very beautiful and amazing). I was interested to the metal, ceramics and ornaments, shaped beautifully and detailed. U can see it from the loop, it is very amazing, u should totally see it yourself, guys. Super unfortunately, photos are not allowed. fiuhh.

We left Taipei and went to Tai Chung via bullet train. It was a fast train, but I should say not as fast as Shinkansen in Japan, because from what I learnt, this bullet train in Taiwan is made by Japan too by the way. Fun fact, we should be glad, not everything is made in China. Yeah and I saw something interesting which normally will be passed easily, it is 9 3/4 gate in Harry Potter. It was there in the bullet train station. Another fun fact "Harry Potter can be made in China"..Okay, I admit it that was my worst joke ever.

 We arrived in Taichung too fast, since there was traffic jam and all happening with our bus (our bus takes our stuffs from Taipei to Taichung while we ride train). So while waiting, it was almost night btw, so Fina and I decided to walked around the station and as usual, took picturessss..hahaa. Here they are..


After waiting for quite a long time, the bus arrived and after some dinner, we went back to hotel De Bao in Taichung, seriously this hotel is even worse then before. It is somewhat maybe still 4 stars hotel or something. At night, I went around the hotel by myself because mom was tired and Fina was not into it and my roommate slept.  Even though it was late, and most of the stores are closed and the roads are almost dark, it was very safe. I didn't know what gets me that night, I was very brave and walk around the blocks by myself, I saw some kind of traditional market, and all those shops, but all closed. So I decided just to go to convenience store to buy some Oolong milk tea. And since in tour, we normally ate three complete meals a day and I am not a 3x eater. So I felt stuffed all the time whenever I am in tour and decided not to drink that milk tea.

Day 3 Tai Chung
Okay so this is what I don't like about this local guide, he was very nice, he really was. I no longer think of him as an alay, besides he looked more normal and normal everytime I saw him. So maybe I was just overreacted back then in day 1. Okay back to what I don't like about him, he never told us, the weather forecast. He didn't tell that "this place is cooler than the other, and don't forget to apply your SPF UV protection when u were there, etc etc". He made me end up re-applying uv protection in the bus, because it was extremely hot and I had to open my umbrella to avoid unintentional tanning to my skin. Well maybe I was just being picky or ignorant or weird or crazy girl, I don't care. I learned from my mistake, not applying UV protection when I was in secondary school cost me very huge regret until now. I have so many stupid, silly, unwanted flex in my face thanks for that and I am so not going to let that happen AGAIN because the old scars haven't even dissapeared.

So, back to the trip, we went to Formosan Aborigine Village and Theme Park in Taichung. In the opening of this theme park, there was some Dayak/aborigine clan, called Amei (read: Ami). They did some dancing thing for the opening of the theme park, and I won't share the pictures with you, no special reason.

And here is the new attraction, which had not open yet by the time I was there. I don't even know what game is it, but it is from One Piece. and here I brought to you the pict of Luffy's old boat, which I forgot what is the name. Anyone???


After theme park, we continued our journey to Sun Moon Lake via cable car. It is believed that in Sun Moon Lake, we can see sun and moon at the same time when sunset. I didn't manage to see it btw but yeah it was beautiful. Because later there will be Sun Moon Lake part 2. haha..

The cable car was not as crazily long as what I used in Langkawi, Malaysia. It is almost comparable though, but the sceneries are different. In Langkawi, we see sea and beaches which are truly beautiful. Here it is also beautiful, but we see lake here. That is the difference (i know I'm not helping). And besides lake, the theme park was also seen.






Anyway the third day was such a long day and I had the most pictures from this day. And since it was so long, I will continue later on when I was free. haha..see ya guys.. thanks for reading summer clover..(I couldn't get that blog website, so instead i got summer clove.












Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Problems in Palace (inspired by Dong Yi)

After watched historical Korean drama "Dong Yi" episode 43, I observed that most problems happen in palace long long time ago is sourced from lots of wives possesed by King.
Too many women in house can cause severe crises, especially for the case of polygamy.
I really pity single husband with many wives, I should say "poor guy"

There is a saying "No women no cry". It is also true in historical story "No women no war".
Look at Singosari palace in Indonesian history as instance, or history of Candi Prambanan. It all starts from women.

Long life for ladies!!!!! Somehow even in long way before emancipation (eg: Feminist and Kartini's era in Indonesia), we managed to make our voices heard and our opinions do matter..
We stand up, girls!!!